Imagine this. You are a wold class adventurer and professional assassin. You charter a plane to get you to a remote location so you can pull off the worlds coolest hit (a shot to the face with a super intense assassin gun from like 8 miles away. Brilliant!). and suddenly, without any specific reason, your pilot suffers a massive heart attack, dies, and blows up (he was booby trapped by your enemy. he wasnt booby trapped to have a heart attack though, just to blow up, so i guess that was just random shizznat). Because you are such a total BAMF you dont die in the blast and you are now hurtling 1billion mph toward the hard ocean surface. Luckily, your hidden spy parachute (standard issue for assassins) was not damaged and you safely drift toward the ocean.
After 8 days of treading water and punching sharks in the face (you drink their intestine juice for water and eat their fins for protein) you wash onto a thick jungle island, vegetation everywhere you look. This makes it near impossible to walk through, thorns and thick branches cut away at your skin slowly chipping away at your spirit. The heat and humidity is near unbearable but you push on in search for sustenance. You carefully proceed keeping an eye out for quicksand and poisons bugs.
it is here, at your weakest, you will face your greatest opponent: the giant snake.
There you are, surrounded by massive trees and squawking bird poops. the canopy is so thick, barely any sunlight comes through. You smell danger.
KSHHHHHHHHHHHH.
it came from your right side, you turn and
"HOLY FUCKING CRAP! ITS A GIANT SNAKE!"
the huge fucking snake is ready to strike. He lets his giant mutant snake tongue loose as if to warn you of the coming strike. You Blink and before you know it his GIANT FUCKING SNAKE HEAD is coming right at you.
WOOSH! you dive to safety, but it is only momentary as the snake realizes he missed his mark and repositions, waiting for his moment.
THINK. its only a fucking giant SNAKE. people have defeated them before! think DAMMIT, THINK >:0
WAPOW!
another stirke!
This time the Giants Snake head misjudged your position and got his bastard head stuck in between two branches. It Wiggles and hisses. It is growing angrier by the millisecond.
THINK FOOL!
How do you kill a giant snake?
As the thought erupts in your mind canyon, the canopy above begins to recede and light floods your surrounding when all of the sudden Batman flies in to your rescue!
*in an extraordinarily raspy voice*
"Hey, Hey. Hey... im Batmannnnnnnnn... BATMANNNNNNN"
"uh."
"BAtMAaaAnnnnnNnnn"
the batman takes his cape and spins in circles
"Batttammaaannnnnn."
"hey, dude. you think we could.."
"Batmannnannnnnnnn" Without warning the Giant Snake devours the Bat in one single gulp.
Satisfied, he slithers away, leaving me to my business.
a few hours later, I am rescued by my sidekick and true love, dave grohls daughter. I go onto kill my hit and i make 20 billion dollars then me and my love have wild naughty time while the mighty Dave Grohl watches in approval from his Rock Throne, golden chalice in hand filled with the blood of 20 baby boys.
the moral of the story:
dont fuck with giant snakes unless youre a gay little british wizard with a stupid bird and a hat sword.
No comments:
Post a Comment