fuck you government...

Uncle Sam pictured here, is the national personification of the United States of America. I love this country. I love what it stands for, I love the freedoms it allows me, I love the endless supply of fast food chains.
There is one thing i do not love. Taxes.

I am independent, meaning, i do everything all by my fucking self.
This is the first year that I am OFFICIALLY an independent. No more of that half support bullshit, nah, im on my fucking own. i pay for my life and for my right to be a citizen of this country and im only fucking 20. most of you moochers wait until youre 30 or some shit. I thought i was being proactive.
Uncle sam, however, sees it differently.
see that finger he is pointing at "you"?
yea, an index finger.
it might as well be the middle finger.

i just got raped so hard on my taxes. Good old uncle sam is not only creepy looking but apparently hes into boys and incest.
thank you uncle sam. thank you very much for boning me. I hope you contract some horrible secret government spy disease you dirt dirty old bastard.

Stuff for whiny people

A summary of my weekend for all you noobs:
Friday. One call: Old lady felt like she needed to see a doctor. I pleaded with her to wait until monday and just take her car to her primary care physician. She refused. WE took her to the er and she pooped on my stretcher.
Saturday. i brought my cot and slept until 1pm. I then watched the entire matrix trilogy. awesome.
Sunday. Slept until 12pm. ate huge quantities of delicious pizza from dominoes. I then felt really sick and almost puked. I finished my day with Mr. Deeds and Hitch. I laughed out loud at certain parts of both movies.
I got payed this weekend to sleep and watch movies. And i guess to clean up old people poop but i enjoy that as much as movies and sleep. overall rating: awesome-o-shwam duu Haif gibbon. 96%-5 stars/boobs, ho boobs. yum.

in unrelated news, Christian Bale is set to light up the silver screen in his big blockbuster, TERMINATOR SALVATION.
I am not entirely sure what happened in the last T movie so I am just going to assume nothing did (although we did all get to see arny naked. gross). With that in mind, i bet this movie picks up right after the 2nd one? World nuked to shite and robots with scary silver skeletons run around ROBOT NAKED and shoot humans. NO. they dont just shoot them, they fucking vaporize them!
no. they come really close to vaporizing them but somehow manage to just burn off all the flesh and blood, and organs so that only the skeleton remains. AWESOME >:D
anywhoot, christian bale is that little kid growed up and hes all pissy cuz like the world is whatever and robots whatever, blah blah
FUCK YOU BALE, youre a pussy. go back to spinning in circles and getting swallowed by giant snakes. fucking tool.

anyway, the world will end in one of two ways.
1. Zombie invasion. man falls prey to his own scientific ambition creating a rage virus that spreads like woah. My life long fantasy is realized and I kick ass.

2. Robot invasion. Man falls prey to his own scientific ambition creating A.I. that deems mankind a threat to the planet or to robots everywhere and try to terminate the human race. Somehow time travel plays a role in this plot.

NOw, i know what youre thinking. But you are wrong. Doomsday scenario numero dos would suck mastadon balls. think about it. You would constantly have to deal with people like arnold schwazengayer and that creepy cop guy and that hot terminator chick. Robots should not have boobies of any kind. Boobies are too awesome for robots.
fuck you robots, BOOBIES ARE TOO AWESOME. LEAVE THEM ALONE
pricks
robot pricks.
the only way number 2 would be TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME is if we decided to PUT CLOUDS IN THE SKY in an effort to shut off the robots and they then responded by putting us in pods and farming us like corn. THEN they invent the matrix and I am chosen as the one and i bone trinity like 5 times and then i set human kind free but i dont die in the end. I instead learn how to fly in the real world.
bone sauce

fuck you harlem

true story peeps.
I am drunk. its 5 am.
I was returning home from my local pub, walking through the streets of harlem, when not 2 FUCKING BLOCKS from my apartment, two assholes decide its time to fuck with the skinny white kid.
They kick a empty soda can to my feet. I notice it but ignore it. i am only 2 blocks to my place and tired as fuck. Maybe on some other day i would give 2 shits, but right now im just concerned with passing the fuck out.
anyway, the can lands at my feet, i step over it
one, a portly hispanic says, "HEy! you almost stepped on my can."
i ignore him and his friend and he reiterates.
I continue.
this time, they kick the can and it hits me in the back of the head.
fucking the last bit of soda spills down my neck and soaks my shirt.
in a distinctly Scottish accent (when i try to intimidate people while intoxicated i take on the persona of a scottish lad named Jesse) i say "OYE! FUCKTARTS. you messed with the wrong fucking Fuck tonight"
i dont know whether it was the beer or how early it was but i swear to you i let out the loudest, most primordial scream ive ever been able to muster and started running at these two clowns, keys in hand, ready to gouge out a fucking eye.
At first, the dynamic dou, stand their ground ready to throw down but about halfway through my mad man sprint they realize i am in no mood to fuck around. Upon such realizations they turn around and split up
"IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIn, YOU FUCKING CUNTS"* still in my distinct scottish accent*
After a night full of drinking pints and with my last sprint, after teh two vanish from sight, i throw up onto the pavement, turn around and walk back the 2 blocks to my apartment.
Fuck you harlem.
dont mess with my heritage.

my thoughts on giant snakes

Imagine this. You are a wold class adventurer and professional assassin. You charter a plane to get you to a remote location so you can pull off the worlds coolest hit (a shot to the face with a super intense assassin gun from like 8 miles away. Brilliant!). and suddenly, without any specific reason, your pilot suffers a massive heart attack, dies, and blows up (he was booby trapped by your enemy. he wasnt booby trapped to have a heart attack though, just to blow up, so i guess that was just random shizznat). Because you are such a total BAMF you dont die in the blast and you are now hurtling 1billion mph toward the hard ocean surface. Luckily, your hidden spy parachute (standard issue for assassins) was not damaged and you safely drift toward the ocean.
After 8 days of treading water and punching sharks in the face (you drink their intestine juice for water and eat their fins for protein) you wash onto a thick jungle island, vegetation everywhere you look. This makes it near impossible to walk through, thorns and thick branches cut away at your skin slowly chipping away at your spirit. The heat and humidity is near unbearable but you push on in search for sustenance. You carefully proceed keeping an eye out for quicksand and poisons bugs.
it is here, at your weakest, you will face your greatest opponent: the giant snake.
There you are, surrounded by massive trees and squawking bird poops. the canopy is so thick, barely any sunlight comes through. You smell danger.
KSHHHHHHHHHHHH.
it came from your right side, you turn and
"HOLY FUCKING CRAP! ITS A GIANT SNAKE!"
the huge fucking snake is ready to strike. He lets his giant mutant snake tongue loose as if to warn you of the coming strike. You Blink and before you know it his GIANT FUCKING SNAKE HEAD is coming right at you.
WOOSH! you dive to safety, but it is only momentary as the snake realizes he missed his mark and repositions, waiting for his moment.
THINK. its only a fucking giant SNAKE. people have defeated them before! think DAMMIT, THINK >:0

WAPOW!
another stirke!
This time the Giants Snake head misjudged your position and got his bastard head stuck in between two branches. It Wiggles and hisses. It is growing angrier by the millisecond.
THINK FOOL!
How do you kill a giant snake?

As the thought erupts in your mind canyon, the canopy above begins to recede and light floods your surrounding when all of the sudden Batman flies in to your rescue!
*in an extraordinarily raspy voice*
"Hey, Hey. Hey... im Batmannnnnnnnn... BATMANNNNNNN"
"uh."
"BAtMAaaAnnnnnNnnn"
the batman takes his cape and spins in circles
"Batttammaaannnnnn."
"hey, dude. you think we could.."
"Batmannnannnnnnnn" Without warning the Giant Snake devours the Bat in one single gulp.
Satisfied, he slithers away, leaving me to my business.
a few hours later, I am rescued by my sidekick and true love, dave grohls daughter. I go onto kill my hit and i make 20 billion dollars then me and my love have wild naughty time while the mighty Dave Grohl watches in approval from his Rock Throne, golden chalice in hand filled with the blood of 20 baby boys.

the moral of the story:
dont fuck with giant snakes unless youre a gay little british wizard with a stupid bird and a hat sword.

Zombies

Living in new york is great. I am within walking distance of 3 different fastfood places, all of which are open 24/7, prostitution is abundant (though i would never, it is comforting to know that it exists. you know, just in case...), my school is just a short bus trip away, my darling hoch is even closer, yes siree bobble, life is good and i know it. These are all amazing things and make my time here in nyc a super duper fun time. But i knew living here was not without its risks.
Crack still pollutes the streets, bloods and crips and other gangs fight quietly in dark alleys (places pd still refuses to patrol) over who gets what street corner, my prostitutes are most likely dirty in the hooch, and of course the very distinct possibility of a zombie outbreak.
During my time in NJ i had a very well thought out zombie outbreak protection plan.
My town was small, my house secure. It would be no problem to walk the quarter mile to the local gun shop, raid it and return home and wait off the zombie horde with beer and loaded m16s. After my family dies horribly tragic deaths (although i am well stocked, i go out daily to scavenge for supplies and look for any survivors that i trust. one day, my father forgets to lock the door and unknowingly allows a zombie into our fortress. He is bit and i am forced to shoot him in the face. I laugh. My sister I am assuming is dead. she goes to a big state school and as for my mom she turned the first day of infection.) I make the executive decision to travel the land in an endless search for the cure and true love. Along the way, i meet my team and we all become zombie and survival experts. I save a few of my friends from various locations across the U.S and eventually head for Canada where we fortify an abandoned military base and establish society once again. I lose sight of my original goal and become disillusioned. rightfully so I become a ruthless dictator and frequently execute any insubordinates. Eventually I am ousted through an upheaval but manage to escape by making the base vulnerable to zombies, who of course come pouring in by the hundreds. The base suffers explosions from our gas source and violently burns to the ground. I walk through the Canadian wilderness, badly wounded when I notice my thigh has been bit. i am feverish and nauseous and my hand starts to shake. i slowly reach for my holstered gun, pull it out and place the barrel to my temple. I end myself before the zombie infection takes over my body. a wolf eats my body.

my plan is well thought out and most of it quite possible. I know what youre thinking and youre right; everything past my family dying is just speculation anyway although it would be super cool to be eaten by a wolf. Now, i have to think of something feesible in one of the worlds largest cities. How do you escape 5 million, flesh hungry, brain thirsty zombies in such a compact area? If you think im going to tell you then you are fucking out of your mind. Once word gets out, everyone is goign to start doing it and buying the right equipment and then maybe everyone will sell out and ill be screwed out of surviving. So fuck you all. I was born to survive the zombie outbreak and you are all destined to die. The only survivors will be the ones i choose so if youre smart, get on my good side and i might be paying you a visit sooner than you think.
REMEMBER, its never too early to start preparing for the undead horde...
enjoy life as we know it while you can

comebacks

*your mom is so gay it hurts my face to stare at her gayness. I feel like if i stare too hard I will become gay.

Your mom is a man. She has a raging boner

your mom is so fat that she shits out of her window and it smells horrible. Also, she cant reach around to wipe her booty so lots of poop hardens around her stink hole and stains the skin.

So's your face.*

Today's world is filled with whackjobs, crazies, lunos, d-bags, guidos (also d-bags), and an odd assortment of other various kinds of assholes so it is important to know how to defend yourself.
Thanks to MTV and other various shit corporations, most of todays potentially violent disputes are settled through expressive group dance, your momma jokes or, if you are extraordinarily lucky, a drinking contest.
or maybe a group orgie. i suppose the contest there would be who could last the longest.
im not sure if i would accept that fight though. i generally dont like multiple people looking at my junk. or my junk going in and out of someone. Also, i have a hard time peeing in a bathroom setting when there is someone else present, i wonder how i would preform in front of a live audience. probably not too well. So i would lose. i suppose that settles that. "sir, i forfeit. congratulations."
anyway, its important to know good comebacks because losing a comeback match is the ultimate form of dishonor. i rarely lose. just look at my comebacks. they rock.
There are two very important thigns to remember with your comebacks:
1. they must be informative
2. they must be insulting

a simple example,
*you are a shit eater*
this is a good comeback. yes maybe overly simple but if fired at the right time can be lethal.
this is informative. I have just been informed that you possibley eat human excrement. gross.
also, this comeback is insulting. you eat shit. haha, gross.

As long as you follow these two simple rules you can add any amount of crazy detail. it doesnt even have to make sense. just make it colorful and absurd enough for your dueler to have to think about it and before he has time to recover piss on him.
hopefully he will hit you in the fucking face and stop this stupid bullshit and hopefully people will just go back to fucking hitting eachother as the ultimate form of dispute settlement.
fuck you all.